Day 18 - Going for Gold

BRUCE: Welcome viewers, to the 2008 World Paintsport Championships. I’m Bruce McAveney, and let me say, you’re in for a treat tonight. Ron, you’re a painting expert, tell us about the main event, the Women’s 8 Hour painting marathon, and Australia’s hopes tonight.

(turns to Ron)

RON (from Gunns Painting Section, Launceston): That’s right Bruce, hold onto your pants, because Robyn E that shy, retiring girl from Melbourne will be up to her eyeballs in Hogs Bristle 1/4 strength, painting for Australia in the final tonight.

BRUCE (laughs): Shy and retiring, you say? See, Ron, I've heard a different story. I've heard that she'll tell anyone who listens that she paints like a demon and that she's all but got the gold in the bag tonight. And I've seen her, she's lightening.

RON: There's a fair bit of bravado going on there, but let's watch the girl herself in action. There she is now, with her hallmark cupcake showercap and safety glasses, making her way to the starting gate with her extender pole and edge cutter. And they're off!!

BRUCE: My but look at that style Ron. You must be a little envious that so much painting skill comes in such a short, fat package.

RON (nods): Yep. I knew when she walked into my store she was trouble. Asking for the undercoat to be tinted, quizzing my about the best method of removing the always troublesome Dulux Suede. You notice the sheer reach she has on that ladder. Many have told her not to overextend herself, that she'll fall off the ladder, that she'll injure herself. But she's proving them all wrong tonight.

BRUCE: She's cutting in now, then? I don't think I've ever seen that particular method.

RON: She calls it 'feathering'.

BRUCE: Speeeeccial. She's got such a light, fast touch. Really it's something you'd expect to see on an oil painter.

RON: Exactly, Bruce. She incorporates elements from across the arts, and that's what makes her so great. Feathering from oil painting, lunges from ballet, and she's even been known to punt kick empty paint tins across the room when things don't go her way.

BRUCE: Well things seem to be going her way tonight. She's way ahead of the field and it looks like it's going to be GOLD GOLD GOLD for Australia tonight. What's she doing now?

RON: That's her patented rollering method. It's known within the industry as the 'Slapper'. Look at the speed, strength and ability she's displaying. I'd be hard pressed to find a tradie who could do a better job.

BRUCE: In fact, that's the reason she has this high-flying ability, isn't it? The tradies let her down time and time again. Leaving drip marks, flaking paint and charging her a fortune.

RON: She couldn't take them ripping her off for a second more. And the day she picked up a paint brush was the day Australia gained it's best female marathon painter. This girl can go for hours on end without a toilet break. All she requires is a few squares of chocolate and the occasional swig of vodka cruiser.

BRUCE: Well I'll shout her a drink tonight if she wins.

RON: She's already won, Bruce, she's finally painted out that bloody Dulux Suede Effects.

GONE!!!!!


Tony thinks I've been sniffing too much paint. I must defer to his superior knowledge and sign off so he can watch Brisbane v Collingwood.